It’s Not Business. It’s Personal.

As I sat down to write this week’s newsletter, I looked at my calendar to see who I met with and what we talked about. As is usually the case, a common theme emerged: people. On Monday, I talked with a client about how well one of his managers is doing, and yet how others in his organization aren’t performing and what the best way forward is. My next call was with a client who learned that one of her competitors is selling and she may have an extraordinary opportunity to add two players who perform at the highest level to her team. To end the day, I met with a business owner who confessed that he has a mediocre team and is getting closer and closer to wanting to sell his business so that he could just become someone else’s employee. 

The next day I taught at our newest workshop: Better Business. Better Life. One of the topics? You guessed it—people. Wednesday morning I spoke with a business owner who is the dad of a two-year-old and a newborn—and is trying to reach pre-child levels of productivity even though his life has changed. He and his wife aren’t carving out time for each other because they are either focused on changing diapers or responding to the needs of their toddler. The result? All areas of life seem strained. My next call was with an established non-profit leader who was sharing about some cultural misalignments in a group he serves. Everyone’s agreed to respect everyone’s different opinions until they have to respect everyone’s different opinions. 

I wrapped up the day by teaching the 8th session of the Bethesda Sales Academy. The topic for the day was social media. And what did we spend the most time talking about in the group coaching session? Humanity. How do we maintain our humanity in whatever advertising we choose to do? Why? Because people are exhausted from AI-generated images that look aesthetically-pleasing until you see the distortions on company names. People are exhausted from Instagram photos and TikTok videos that would lead us to believe that everything is great. During the discussion, one of the participants pointed out how exhausting it is to see people’s posts depicting a perfect marriage while one spouse is having an affair. Many of us are creating allusions for others because we can’t imagine what someone would think of us if they ever found out. 

Here’s the truth: most would respect the hell out of you for your vulnerability and candor, and do what they could to help. You see, the shaming happens publicly so people can look cool and maintain the illusion in their own mind that they are great and have it all together. Meanwhile, when they put away the selfie-stick, they wonder if they are a good parent, if their marriage is going to make it, if they will have enough money to make payroll, and how they are going to keep running their business for another 25 years. I get to see people when they let their hair down, and, for many of us, that’s what’s actually happening. 

You may be wondering as you are reading: I thought you were a business coach, why are you writing about this? I’m so glad you asked. The truth is it is and will continue to be the most human leaders and organizations who succeed in an increasingly artificial world. Being a hardass doesn’t work anymore; frankly, it was always ineffective because it intimidated people into believing that they had to comply with the commands that they were given. Meanwhile, the same people giving them the commands that they were complying with would be the same person to let them go for lack of performance. Craziness. Or, perhaps another one of my favorites jumps into your mind: “Leave your personal stuff at the door.” I lived with a father who had a non-curable form of cancer from my early teen years until I was 23. Once you’ve lived through something like that, you realize it’s pretty absurd to say something like that. Now, don’t misunderstand me. I showed up to school and work every day and gave my best effort. Meanwhile, in the background the noise of my father’s illness still went on. 

Yeah, Josh, but give me the business side of this. I am. To live a life and lead an exceptional business, we have to learn to acknowledge that we are all human. We are all imperfect. We all make mistakes. We give our best effort and sometimes we look like a hero. Other days we put in what feels like even more effort to produce an outcome that we aren’t proud of. And what is more important than that result is learning from it, getting back up, and making another attempt—this time with more knowledge. 

Yet, so often I watch leaders tear someone down for one bad performance. They ignore the track record of a solid performer due to an isolated incident, crafting an elaborate narrative about why an employee’s performance has changed. I’m reading The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher. He shares a story of a deposition he was taking with a hostile participant. He finally asked the man, “Are you OK?” The man went on to share a story about how a lawyer had failed him and his family when they needed it most and he was taking that out on Jefferson. Wow! That had nothing to do with Jefferson, and yet he was the brunt of it. This story illustrates what a superpower curiosity is and how we truly have no idea what’s going on until we ask. 

And here’s the golden nugget for you: the reason that we are hard on others is because we lack confidence and trust in ourselves. We are taking our own insecurity and frustration out on others. I’ve watched it time and time again. I’m just finishing the book Everybody Matters by Bob Chapman and Raj Sisodia. It’s a powerful story of what happens when we lean into our humanity, becoming kinder to ourselves and, in turn, to others. There is no limit to what an aligned group of people can do, and the only way for us to find out is to establish trust so we can be free to offer everything we have. 

And lest you think this is a bunch of BS, I’ll end with a story from how one of my coaching calls ended this week. I asked my client how I could support them better. They referred back to a conversation that we had nearly five months ago and told me how he felt it really deepened our relationship. He told me he wanted that to continue and he wanted the depth of relationship and friendship with me in which I would continue to tell him the kind truth. And here’s the business lesson: his organization just had the best year they’ve had in their 15-year history. 

Quote: 

“Humanity is not a liability in leadership—it’s the competitive advantage.” - Josh Vanada

Question: 

What one thing can you do this week to build more trust with yourself and your team?